Fine Print
by FairyNiamh
Summary: Is it too much to ask for Derek to listen to him? Did he really have to do that?


**Notes:**

Thank you to Drivven Wrinth for being a wonderful Beta.

I am so far behind in posting my stories here. Well, a third of them I _can't_ post here due to adult content or because they are original works. Sorry if this isn't the best place to follow my writing.

"Stiles," Derek started, as he chased after the upset human.

"I'm not talking to you," Stiles replied through gritted teeth, as he picked up the pace to rid himself of the following alpha.

Derek sighed and remained hot on the angry man's heels. "Come on; please... just give me a chance to explain!"

"Derek, do you even know what happened? Do you know why I'm upset?"

Derek frowned at the question. No, not the question, the tone of the question. It sounded like utter defeat.

"Look, I said I was sorry. I wasn't even aiming at you; so I have no idea how my arrows shot you."

"Because you are easily provoked. Each time I asked you to stop. I even said please. Then I tried to keep those arrows away from you..."

"That thing said I would win the challenge; if I agreed to break the arrows. Well, if I could break them. Like it would be hard for me to snap a few twigs," Derek scoffed.

"Let's start from the beginning big guy. Deaton asked us to collect some herbs for him. They needed to be gathered, harvested, and delivered by a virgin. Therefore, I was the logical choice to send, right?"

Derek frowned and nodded, not knowing where Stiles was headed with this line of questions.

"Deaton called on something to help me out. _Something_, not someone. It- he agreed and even seemed to be happy to help."

"Yeah..."

"Then you told him that you didn't trust him; and needed to come along to make sure that the frail human did not get injured or worse."

"I never called you frail."

"Shut up. You may not have used those words, but it was clearly implied, and of course; you suspecting him to be an unsavory character; was a guarantee to cause problems. However, Sun Wukong agreed to your demands. You never noticed the wicked glint in his eyes. When he agreed, Deaton and I pulled you aside and explained a few facts to you about the area and the being you had just bullied. Did you listen to them?"

"Yeah, you said we were headed to China and not to play around," Derek said flatly, already tired of Stiles explanation.

"Right, to be exact; we were headed to Sunan Yugur. We warned you; to just keep quiet, do not flash your reds,"

"Which I didn't!" Derek's defensive words were going to get him killed; he just didn't know it yet.

"Hooray for you. We also informed you that they had some strange traditions. Because of those traditions you were to just look like an imposing statue, no talking, no moving."

"That Sun thing provoked me!" Derek defended his actions.

Stiles actually growled at the Alpha. "That was because you insulted him! In spite of Deaton and me warning you about Sun Wukong's nature, you still fell into step with his prank."

"I am sick of apologizing for shooting you!"

"Well, how about for getting us married; without my consent!?" Stiles yelled back.

"Wait, what?" Derek shook his head sure that his ears were failing him.

Stiles deflated and wished that he had a wall or something to lean against, as his knees were feeling weak. "It's an old and strange tradition. The groom – you, shoots his bride – me; three times and then breaks the arrows. The Priest I was talking to even congratulated you and said we would have a long and happy marriage, because it was blessed by a disciple of Buddha himself."

Derek opened and closed his mouth a few times then bent his head in thought. "Is it legal?" he finally asked.

Stiles gave a hollow laugh. "Very legal. Sun Wukong even gave me the marriage certificate... or what constitutes as a marriage license."

"That doesn't mean it's legal in California. After all, same sex marriage isn't even legal in China."

"You're right. However, if say... Moses, suddenly appeared and said 'X and X are married and that their union was a blessed union'; do you think most people would say 'but homosexual marriage is not legal'? No, they would nod their heads and go with the flow."

Derek frowned and shook his head slightly. "Did you just compare Moses to a monkey?"

"Really? Is that what you got out of that?"

"Well, you said-"

Stiles groaned at Derek's words. "Derek, my dear _husband_, I thought you would understand a Westernized version of what happened."

"Then shouldn't you have used Jesus?"

Sties just rubbed his temples. "Derek, I am going to go get you our marriage certificate. I want you to go to Deaton-"

"Deaton?"

"Yes, Deaton. I want you to ask him everything you have just asked me and see if he can get some information through that thick skull of yours!" Stiles yelled as he stormed off.

"Wait; if we're married, doesn't that mean we need to consummate the marriage?"

Stiles stopped in his tracks, turned around and smiled sweetly at Derek. "Not tonight honey, I have a headache. Damned wolves and their obliviousness to everything around them."

"So, no sex. Wait; do you think we could get it annulled? We have to-"

"Please, remember the misbegotten Moses metaphor. East meets West; and East has kicked me in the balls as a greeting." Stiles muttered. He was honestly getting a headache from all this.

After a few minutes of speed walking, and not being able to shake his husband, Stiles finally arrived home, walked in, and retrieved their marriage certificate.

"Here. A warning, don't try tearing it up," Stiles said earnestly as he handed off the certificate.

"Why? What happens?" Derek's confusion could almost be classified as cute. Almost, maybe if didn't have that headache brewing.

The younger man could only roll his eyes. "Honestly?" he asked.

"No, I want you to lie to me."

"Fine, rose petals will fall from the sky and a unicorn shooting a rainbow out its ass will streak across the sky."

"Damn it, Stiles!"

"I don't know! I don't know what will fucking happen. Maybe nothing, maybe death, maybe something worse."

Derek quirked an eyebrow and asked (with a slight chuckle... the stupid fucking bastard) "There's something worse than death?"

"A lifetime of impotency? Feeling like your nipples or balls are being poked by millions of hot needles? Chinese water torture? Having bamboo shoved under your fingernails and toenails? Have a live wire shoved up your ass and turned off and on?" Stiles started to list.

"Okay! I get it; there are things worse than death. Where the fuck do you come up with all this shit?" Derek asked with a shudder as he loosened his grip on the scroll.

"Son of the Sheriff and I went through a phase of studying serial killers. This however, is way off topic."

"Right, remind me not to piss you off," Derek said warily.

"You're a little late on that. What do you plan on telling my dad?"

"Huh?"

"You were planning on telling my dad weren't you? Oh my god, you were going to leave it all to me. You rotten son of a bitch! I swear I would have us annulled right now if I wasn't afraid of what would happen to us. Well, not us; right now I am too pissed at you to care about you, but I do have some sense of self preservation."

Derek just stood there blinking unsure of what to say or do. He blinked a few times and just stared out in space.

"Fuck; I broke you, didn't I? Come back down to Earth Derek. I wasn't going to make you explain things to my dad alone. That is NOT a get out of jail free card. You will come to dinner tonight. This is not up for negotiation. Dinner starts at 7. Don't be late or it will make you look bad to my dad. Trust me; you do not want to look bad to my dad. Not a good way to start our 'ever after'. See you tonight, try to wear blood free clothes," Stiles ordered before walking away and leaving Derek standing there.

Derek felt like the rug had been pulled out from under his feet. Without thought, he made his way to Deaton's office.

"Derek, what can I do for you?" Deaton asked after he finished checking over Mrs. Penderghast's dog. Heavens only knew what she thought was wrong with her Schnoopy now.

Shaking his head Derek handed over his marriage certificate.

"I see. Are you here for my blessing?" Deaton asked with a small smile.

"Is this real? Stiles says it is, but..." he trailed off. He needed to sit down.

Deaton raised his eyebrow and shook his head. "Yes Derek, it's real. Stiles told me what you did. I fear your mom would be disappointed in you. You have to listen to people. Stiles went through a great deal of trouble finding out all of the information I needed and we both warned you."

Derek hung his head and groaned. "Stiles is making me tell his dad."

"You can rest assured that the Sheriff has no wolfsbane bullets. So if he shoots you, feel free to give me a call and I will dig out the bullet," Deaton told him cheerfully as he handed back the certificate of doom. "Anything else?"

Derek just shook his head and headed out of the clinic and toward his loft. He hated it when Stiles was right and hated it even more when Deaton (or anyone) backed him up. Which sadly was most of his life. Fuck it all. Maybe Deaton was wrong, maybe the Sheriff had some wolfsbane bullets and would bury it between his eyes. That would be one way to ease his pain.

Maybe it was time to look into anger management classes. After all, he was sure that the Gods would frown on him if he killed his… husband.

"Fuck my life," he muttered as he trudged back to his car. When he had been young, he had dreamed of getting married and living happily ever after, a dream that died with his family.

Well, since he was once again at the will of the fates, he figured he might try to make the best of it. 'I wonder if Stiles would kill me if I suggested we celebrate our honeymoon in Hawaii… after things settle down here;' this was the only thought that Derek had as he drove off to meet up with his husband. The one person he had never expected and the one person he had wanted more than anything had for the past 5 years. Well, maybe being the fate's bitch wasn't all that bad after all.

~Fin~


End file.
